Anxiety can be a scary thing.
The more I think about it the more I fear that it will come back.
Who am I kidding? It’s never fully gone.
I was watching some clips from Bo Burnham’s “Inside” special on Netflix. There’s one song he sings that stopped me in my tracks and I’ve been playing it on repeat incessantly.
There’s a segment where he actually talks about how he quit comedy about 5 years ago because of his panic attacks and he took that time to get himself better. It’s one of those things most people don’t talk about because of the “stigma” that is mental health. This next part may make no sense to any of you, but that’s really what this blog is about, am I right? Everytime I hear this section of the song, I think of it as almost a conversation between my rational self and my anxiety and there is something so extremely freeing. So indulge me as I try to type this while simultaneously eating tangy fruit smiles from Walmart.
Me: It’s almost over
Anxiety: It’s just begun
Me: Don’t overthink this, look in my eye, don’t be scared, don’t be shy, come on in the water’s fine. You say the ocean’s rising like I give a shit. You say the world is ending, honey it already did.
Anxiety: You’re not going to slow it. Heaven knows you’ve tried.
Me: Got it. Good, now get inside.
If you’ve heard the song, then you know there’s a particular chord that hits the minute he says the word inside. I tried describing this to a few people yesterday by saying my insides felt like they dropped when I heard it. There’s something so powerful about it. It’s like the rational me says “Get inside” with so much force that I regain control of what’s not real.
I am at the point in my life where my anxiety is around, but it’s not ruling my everyday. I am very thankful for that because it was not the case a few years ago. Is it gone? No. But the first time I heard that song was like the first time I felt like someone gave me permission to take back control. I know it sounds dumb, but it was so empowering…so freeing.
That’s really all there is. I just needed to put some words to what I was trying to iron out in my head and Mr. Burnham certainly did most of the work.
If any of this resonates with you, I hope you know that you are loved, you are appreciated, and you are most certainly enough.
Finn and Flour Farms 